Recollections

I never understood people. Not really. I knew how they functioned, how to make them smile, how to make them cry, how to sway their emotions as the Moon sways the tides. But it was never something serious to me. For you see i knew no hardship. Ever and always the world was a joyous place, a constant play that ever spun around. Our people no longer held power, and in that powerlessness i found freedom. To me the Great Game was everything the poets make it out to be, a dance, ever passionate, a song unending, a string you pull to make the world move.

My brother was nothing like me, though we were twins. He was ever so serious and stern, yet in him i saw the compassion all others saw in me. For while it was a game to me, to him they were people, living breathing souls, and the powerlessness i reveled in? He never saw it. A symbol is a greater slave to the people than anything else. A powerless symbol? It is but a wisp in the wind, yet one that may turn into a storm. Where my youth was of joy and mirth, his was of the same stern contemplation that will surely follow him to the grave. A much better priest than i, wouldn't you agree?

We both had someone we cared for deeply, though the texts will tell you nothing of her, the documents hardly found it fit to examine one as irrelevant as her. I don't think i understood how much family meant to me until she passed. It was a sudden thing you see. In a flash a person's entire existence ends. You wake up at times, and the most painful thing is the realisation that you can't do something with them, for they are irrevocably gone from this land, and you wish you could return to that false paradise of a moment, between the waking and sleeping world, where you fooled yourself into thinking they are still alive.

The world turned somber and bitter to me. The dance was no longer fun and the song no longer alluring. Someone i loved died and i could do nothing, for how could one predict such an accident? How could one prepare for it?

They say i was the Sun and my brother the Moon you know, and that in our haste we had gotten mixed up. Perhaps i entertained that notion in my own arrogance, until he held me as i wept and thrashed against the world. The Moon is kind as he is, true. But the Sun? You look to it, and you hope, and when i looked up at him i was blinded, and i knew for certain that he was the Sun. And tears of sorrow turned to those of joy. For i looked and gazed at the sunset. Sorrow was his but he took it and made from it hope. How lonely the Sun must feel, with so pitiful a companion as the Moon. Yet i made a promise on that day. I vowed, that from that day until my last, the Sun would never again be alone. Not in deeds, not in actions and not in spirit. Selfish, i know, for what is good without the innate desire for it? Watch over the Sun for me should i pass before he does Little Sparrow. It is often those who shine the brightest that are the most alone.

And so i made use of my gifts, such as they were. I still knew how to play the game but from the moment i took my oath it wasn't for fun anymore. This rock sought to shine as bright as our greatest star, and even as it failed, it would do so without regret. I saw how powerlessness was a set of chains then, no longer something that liberates but something that binds, and so i carried those chains. Perhaps not all the world, perhaps not even my surroundings, but i would do what i can to make this place better, and even as the world fought back i would smile, for is that not what a fake Sun should do to feign radiance? Small victories and great defeats defined me. I soon realised the reason for my powerlessness, and i understood it was necessary. The chains we wear of our own volition can be a burden, but just the same they can be a source of strength. Be there for your sisters when i'm gone. They are far too much like our dear Sun, far too willing to give of themselves until nothing remains, each in their own way.

It happened afterwards Little Sparrow. The world went mad. I saw little gleams of it, the looks they gave one another, the way they talked and strutted. Yet i am no seer, and i could never imagine what happened next. So much pain and loss, and for what? To enforce what they feel is right, or just to please their desires? Yet who am i to speak of that? I have no right to judge them, no one does. Being selfish isn't doing something despite thinking of others, it is doing something without even giving a moment's thought to others, even if you claim you do. The only thing we can do is follow the laws we hope are right, and never stoop to their level.

I was still powerless then Little Sparrow. They would not touch us yet, they had other goals in mind. Soon enough the infighting started, and they forgot completely about us. I only wish they had forgotten about you. This was the safest place for you. It is what i will continue to believe no matter what. It was also the only place you could go to. I remember seeing this frail, bony little thing. Like a doll of twigs, broken and misshapen, almost empty, and full of sorrow. In that moment my chains were broken, and i knew this would lead us down the path to ruin. So i made another choice. I would make you smile Little Sparrow, even if i could not see it. While you were with me, while the madness held, our world would be calm and tranquil. Those chains i lost? I would remake them. Restraint would be my prison.

He couldn't see it you know, my Sun. You standing over me, wondering why i couldn't cry. My greatest achievement was that i had fooled the Sun, yet here i saw that i couldn't fool you. I don't think i ever needed to anyway, though at times i dearly wish i could, for your sake more than mine. So i taught you the songs, i treated you as all children should be treated. I hope you had fun with your sisters, Sun and I. I know i did. Picturing all of you as i write this, i feel no regrets. You're not too far gone Little Sparrow. You never were.

We are not unique Little Sparrow, and that is what was unique. What chain of events lead to this chaotic conclusion? None of us should have been where we are, nor who we are. And yet we are Little Sparrow. We are and it is the one thing that will baffle me to the end. There are no stories or special destinies. The little girl who thought she was the Sun learned this long ago. And does that mean defeat? Does this mean there is no purpose to being good? If others see you as their hero who would not fail them is that not enough proof of you being special? You are far too much like me Little Sparrow, and that is my greatest fear, for i think you already know the answer. Don't make my mistakes, don't separate yourself, even as you are forced to. Embrace the mundane little bird. Embrace the joy of living. The last person i ask you to take care of is yourself, for i see the same thing i see in your siblings and mine. Be happy, be good.

I will always be with you.

I wish i could have gone with you, i wish i could have stayed to protect you. But this is something you have to learn of on your own. Ur-Nelam is our greatest city, and the imperial court perhaps our greatest shame. You've seen how our cities shine my son, i've taken you many a times to the other great cities of Kinan, hoping that you would see the good our people have done, the good we still can do, and now that you have succeeded me you must go alone to face the wolves.

It was too painful for me to tell you this in person so i pray you forgive me my cowardice. For with my death i consign you now to the lion's den, and the hungry beasts that lurk within. Our city was never so great as Sur, Sidun or mighty Ocheia, and yet we have our pride and hopes. We don't need exaltation, we achieve glory another way. Remember this as you go to take your seat within the Chosen Council.

Amidst great halls in shadows is the fate of our world decided. Beware even your fellow nobles, who stare you down, in hushed whispers ever plotting. You'll soon learn of the great darkness of all governments, and the sorrow of our people. The world is such that we have survived a great disaster, and now to prevent an even greater one, we must fight, for better or for ill.

A child sits on our throne, and is silent for it can say nothing else. Remember this my son, an empire is only so strong as its head, so the weakness we find ourselves in is the great folly of his dynasty. Always remember the alliance our house has kept with the traditionalists under the Twin Kings. Such is our lot that we must follow them.

Yet do not forget those folk who rally to defend the empire. Desperate for support and capable of dealing with infighting, they may prove more useful than one could hope. Still i urge caution. Our city isn't alone, not yet, but it must act with prudence, for where we sit the end may yet come.

Be strong and brave my pride and joy. Do not let the darkness of our capital engulf you as you go to support the leaders of our city. Forgive your old man for shielding you from it until the end, and never forget. When the world crumbled, our people restored it.

I always regretted one thing above all others, and that was never saying goodbye to her before she left, before everything changed. I still speak to her at times, in my own clumsy way. I see her, as i see any other person. But not as she was at the end. I see her the only way i know her to be, that little girl with bright red hair whose smile brought such joy to the world that she could woo a god, for whom even heaven would break its own rules, so kind and pure was she. And for her? I would move mountains.

What great and magnificent adventures we went on, the two of us, before she left. We went among the stars to fish, but as she did not want to harm the fish she let them fly back into the night sky, and so it was brighter for me from that day forth, for all of us i think. Those new stars in the sky? They're the little fish she set free. We went into a painting to ask the painter to not be so sad when he painted. Though he was long since gone i can not help but feel that he became happier after meeting her. His story was changed, if just a little.

When the time came for her greatest adventure she demanded i come. She was like that, and it always made me smile. It made me feel young and joyous again. When i was with her time stopped and flowed backwards and forwards all at once. I was truly, beyond a doubt, happy. Despite my protests she dragged me by the ear as i gave her away. How we danced that day. I even became friends with an old man who once bore the weight of the world. He reminded me of her, in a way, but more fragile. Perhaps i was wrong to give her away, as i soon learned that she too was fragile.

After that it was no longer my turn to protect her i'm afraid, much as i wanted to. The little girl had grown up, all on her lonesome, if with a little bit of my help. And she was no longer so alone in this vast world. She didn't have to wait for me all those long nights, staring into the endless sky. All was happy and all was good. That was the last time i saw her smile. What followed i can not describe, nor can i attest to, for i am a coward. I run, ever onward, never looking back. I can not look back for the thing i fear most in this world is what i shall see, and yet always i turn my eyes, for it motivates me to move ahead. I left her behind as i leave all others. Ever moving forward, looking back, and regretting before going even faster.

Do you know what comes to mind every time i think of her? This was the first face her face ever saw. And i smile. And i weep. I weep because i smile and i smile because i weep, though i am so uncertain i may not know why i weep or why i smile. I wake up like that every night, face red and with a smile from the last time she visited me as i slept. It's the one place she'll never change in. The one place where everything will stay the same.

Why am i writing this, now when all is gone, taken by the cold northern wind? We are never the same people we were or the people we will be, all that matters is you remember who stands behind you as you go forth to reach the one in front. It is because times change, and so must i. I am not ready yet. I do not know if i ever will be, and there is so little time left. But i write this to you, selfishly, to tell you that i am trying. I don't know if i will succeed, i do not wish to fill you with false hope, rage or despair by reminding you i exist. But i have to tell you that i am still here. That i haven't given up. I will always remember when her farther was me.

Here we are, my dear sweet jay, you and i. I know you think me gone, but i would rather think i shall be with you, even if you can not feel it. I can see your expression already. Do you think anyone besides us knows about how you're the grumpiest? I wish you wouldn't. You've always favoured martyrdom far too much and i think for one so young you should enjoy life more. I remember whenever you smiled, and i mean truly smiled. I don't think you understand how the world glowed when you did that. Your laugh is the only thing that stopped little sparrow and owl from fighting. They love your smile just as much as sun and i.

Yet i digress. Must be the sign of my old age, no? I have passed onto the House of Joy now, Sun is dimmer though he hides it, and owl is the only one speaking about this. Whatever shall i do with you and sparrow my beautiful jay? You'll worry me half to death! That was a joke. And you say i'm not funny!

You were much older when you came into my care, dear jay, stained by the sins of our people and with your wings blackened by the ashes of our shame. This sin was never something i could atone for, never something i could prevent, not without making sacrifices that would endanger the others. For this i am sorry. It truly hurt me every time i thought of how i failed you, failed so many others, for my selfish desire of keeping the few safe. But not enough to stop. And now it is far too late and i can do nothing. They circle around our little island. Poor souls who think themselves clever black carrion, ready to pick apart all that we have sowed, and i can do nothing.

I will not ask you to protect sparrow, or owl, or Sun. Mayhaps i have gone batty and you, as you've told me at times, do not care. But like with the gods above, i choose to believe in you. And i will never stop believing in you, not even when the last star in the sky is extinguished, or the bell tolls to greet the end. Why this saying? I suppose i think it will connect to you, though i wish it wouldn't.

Sun can no longer see as he once did. His hand grows weak and the sky ceases to turn as a result. Thank you for helping him, and for never saying he needs it. He always loved how soft your touch was, how delicate, as if the world were made of glass, though he'll never tell you this. I see you trying, i see you struggling, and i value your struggle. I always valued it, though i may not have been the best at expressing it. Always they praised you, for your knowledge and your kindness. Let me be the one who will praise your fragility, that which you so seek to hide, that thing that makes the world stop turning as it seeks to protect you. Let me praise your strength, for which you hold your siblings and Sun. Thank you. A thousand times, in a thousand different voices over a thousand lifetimes.

Things will only get harder. Knowing you three, only owl will have the sense to be outspoken, despite her inability to ask others before she gives of herself. I know it's hard. Not how hard or even in what way, but i am not so blind as to not notice that it is hard. Talk to Sun. You need not say the words for him to hear, he will hear you as he always did. Talk to owl, you're the only one who keeps her calm. Talk to Sparrow, for i know he won't talk to you. He sees you better than Sun, so he is the most worried for you, so he shall try not to impose upon you. Impose upon him then. I know the words get caught in your throat but you must be strong, as you always were. I know you tremble, that you buckle. But i also know you steady yourself, and march against the cold northern wind.

My little jay, you've been brave. So very brave. But just because you are brave, it doesn't mean you have to be alone. It doesn't mean you need engulf yourself in a sorrow that was never yours to take. My dear, sweet, foolish girl. This isn't temporary, this time isn't ephemeral. It is forever. Embrace eternity, do not wonder whether or not you deserve it, instead enjoy it with those you hold dear. Cherish every last moment together as if it were your last, do not let the world pass you by, as others consumed by sorrow have. Be happy, be good.

I will always be with you.